Sunday, July 20, 2008

Life & it's Obstacles

Have you ever woke up to realize that even tho it seems your life has been crazy and full of obstacles there always seems to be that "one" thing that keeps you grounded? Have you ever asked yourself what that thing is? I am always wondering that...for some reason I thought what kept me grounded was all the craziness that surrounds me. You know, the day to day stuff that keeps you forever moving. Cleaning, working, taking care of kids, cooking, laundry...need I go on?

Well today I woke up and realized that what grounds me isn't all of those things. What grounds me is my son! He's the reason I think before I act, he's the reason I wake up everyday ready to battle what's ahead but most of all, he's the reason I've learned to be who I am and fight for what I feel is right. People always say that your children learn from you, they learn from your actions, the way you speak or treat people. I've realized I want to be the best that I can be for my son, I want him to know he will and always has been the most important person in my life. The things I have done have been for him. Making some of the hardest choices of my life have all been for him and even though at times I feel those choices may not have been the best, I did them so I could learn from them for him.

When your a parent, your always worried about your kids. That worry never goes away...ever! Before you have children, you can never imagine the amount of joy, happiness, stress and worry you will encounter after you have them. Not a day goes by that you don't worry if they are happy, safe, hungry, hurt or any other type of worry you can think of. You just have to trust that your choices and your way of parenting is the best. There is no manual for having children, there's no guarentee that what your doing is going to help your child turn out the way you dream. You just do your best and leave the rest to god. He's there, even if you think he's not:) I'm so happy god gave me the chance to be a mom. Even with all the challenges I've been through, it's still been one of the most rewarding experiences in my life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...enjoy your children. They are one of the most precious gifts that god has given us. Enjoy their smiles, laughs, giggles, smell and all of the little things that make your heart swell with love being a parent. Always let them know you love them and never be to busy for one of their big hugs or kisses. It's those small things that make being a parent rewarding...all our children need is our love, understanding and most of all our security. Capture those moments and memories in your mind and never let them go because before you know it, they will be all grown up and gone! Below is a poem that I've always liked and I really try to follow...

Ticket For Life
© Wanda Oleson

Bandage scraped knees. Kiss away fears.
Watch their heartbreak and dry their tears.
Teach them to know what's right and what's wrong.
Show them how to be gentle and when to be strong.
Tell them you love them, and then let it show.
That's the easiest part of helping them grow.
There needs to be discipline, but don't over do it.
Praise and encouragement strengthens their spirit.
Show them respect for their feelings and thoughts.
They should know their important, self worth can't be bought.
Show them some patience and always be kind.
Developing minds make mistakes time to time.
Teach them to be the best they can be.
When they're happy within,

Have a great week everyone...

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Kids grow up SO VERY FAST!!!

So today Zack's chain fell off his bike so of course, being the fix it all mommy I am, I started putting it back on. After I was done, I asked him if maybe he wanted to take his training wheels off and try to ride without them. He said "yes, but you hold me and walk with me". So there we go, starting out...I wasn't even half way down the driveway with him and he told me to let go. Yup, there goes my 4 year old all on his own driving down the sidewalk WITHOUT his training wheels! (tear, tear) lol I am so proud of him!!! Click play on the below video to see it for yourself!!

Gosh, it just seems so crazy that he is already riding a bike without the training wheels. I was a little scared at first watching him but once he got the hang of it, he seemed to do great at it. He is such a smart little guy that sometimes I'm just amazed! Being a mommy is one of the best things I have ever done!

Look at my boy go!!

And here's another one...

Anyway, just wanted to share my mommy excitment with everyone! I hope all of you are having a great weekend. I'll post some more this week;-)

Sunday, July 6, 2008


So I'm sitting here wondering what my next step should be. This past weekend I met some really nice people (guys included) and it sort of gives me hope that maybe, just maybe I might meet that special someone. It's scary though, I was so badly hurt and I just never want to feel that feeling again. I guess I will just wait and see what comes my way...

On another note, I got my baby home:) He's always so happy to see me and I love that! It's one of the highpoints to getting him back. I'm going to make sure and do something fun with him tomorrow since I have the day off:) Anyway, just wanted to write a quick note and let everyone know I'm doing ok:)

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Upcoming 4th of July Weekend

Well, I guess I can say this 4th of July is going to be a tough one for me! This will be my first holiday without Zack to celebrate it with. Instead, he goes to his dads for the weekend. I made sure to try and stay busy but that's a little hard on fireworks night since I have to work early Saturday morning. Yup, I decided to work this weekend just to keep my mind off of things.

I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it. I'm upset because I know his dad will take him to the parade and the fireworks. That would be just fine but I know he's doing it with the 23 year old girlfriend. To me, I think that is so very unfair. While he needs time with his dad, he does not need time with the girlfriend. I feel if any girl should be there with my son it should be me and I just feel I'm getting so jipped in this deal! It's hard not to have any anger towards his dad. I cannot even begin to explain the hatred I feel and it's times like these that bring it out in me. Plus, of course the girlfriend, being the immature 23 year old she is, has to be sure and tell EVERYONE their weekend plans just to make sure it gets back to me. It's hard...very hard and I feel for anyone who ever has to go through this.

I look back and wonder where I went wrong when I married him. I never in a million years would have thought the man I had loved for 16+ years would ever treat me as horribly as he has nor would I have ever believed he would have broken my heart the way he did. I'm angry for so many reasons, angry I spent so many years with him and wasted the ones I could have found someone who would have loved me the way I should have been loved, angry that I had to go through the whole cancer ordeal and now can no longer have anymore children, something I had wanted. I'm angry that the one child I have been blessed with now has to be shared with an evil, unhappy, lying, piece of crud that I chose to have a child with. It's a horrible feeling!! I'm slowly trying to overcome my anger though. At times, I feel like I have but then something happens and it seems like I've taken 10 steps back. It's not a nice feeling.

I also find myself not wanting to date either, I am so scared to even let my feelings out there again. I never want to give someone that power to break my heart ever again!! There are so many emotions mixed into my heart right now it's hard to chose just one to focus on. So in order to work through all of them without my head spinning crazily out of control, I try to remind myself of the good things in my life. I have so many of them but at times it's hard to look past my hurt and anger to see them. So I try to make a list...I have my son, my family, my friends, one of the best sisters in the whole world, a job, benefits, a car, a roof over my head, my health and so many more things. I want those things to overtake the anger I feel. I just want my anger gone. I'm hoping this blog will help, especially on those days I'm feeling so down. Maybe voicing how I feel for others to read and get their input on will help me in some way heal so I can once again find the happiness I so deserved. For a while there, I was letting my hurt stop me from enjoying time with my son...then one day I woke up and realized that god gave me another chance for a reason. My cancer was found early so that I had more time to spend with my son and I needed to get out and enjoy those things with him. I make a point to do that now, Zack and I are always off doing new things and I love watching how excited he gets over the littlest things. Kids are great and they are a beautiful gift from god. Even though I cannot have more, I thank god everyday for blessing me with one...he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and the one thing I did right in my life. I think he is the one thing that saved me from having a breakdown, without him I don't think I could have ever made it!! Once again, thank you to all my family and friends...your support has been a HUGE part of my healing process. My heart is slowly healing and maybe someday I will be able to let someone else in.

HAPPY 4th EVERYONE!!! Hope you have a wonderful weekend:)