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Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Upcoming 4th of July Weekend


Well, I guess I can say this 4th of July is going to be a tough one for me! This will be my first holiday without Zack to celebrate it with. Instead, he goes to his dads for the weekend. I made sure to try and stay busy but that's a little hard on fireworks night since I have to work early Saturday morning. Yup, I decided to work this weekend just to keep my mind off of things.

I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it. I'm upset because I know his dad will take him to the parade and the fireworks. That would be just fine but I know he's doing it with the 23 year old girlfriend. To me, I think that is so very unfair. While he needs time with his dad, he does not need time with the girlfriend. I feel if any girl should be there with my son it should be me and I just feel I'm getting so jipped in this deal! It's hard not to have any anger towards his dad. I cannot even begin to explain the hatred I feel and it's times like these that bring it out in me. Plus, of course the girlfriend, being the immature 23 year old she is, has to be sure and tell EVERYONE their weekend plans just to make sure it gets back to me. It's hard...very hard and I feel for anyone who ever has to go through this.

I look back and wonder where I went wrong when I married him. I never in a million years would have thought the man I had loved for 16+ years would ever treat me as horribly as he has nor would I have ever believed he would have broken my heart the way he did. I'm angry for so many reasons, angry I spent so many years with him and wasted the ones I could have found someone who would have loved me the way I should have been loved, angry that I had to go through the whole cancer ordeal and now can no longer have anymore children, something I had wanted. I'm angry that the one child I have been blessed with now has to be shared with an evil, unhappy, lying, piece of crud that I chose to have a child with. It's a horrible feeling!! I'm slowly trying to overcome my anger though. At times, I feel like I have but then something happens and it seems like I've taken 10 steps back. It's not a nice feeling.

I also find myself not wanting to date either, I am so scared to even let my feelings out there again. I never want to give someone that power to break my heart ever again!! There are so many emotions mixed into my heart right now it's hard to chose just one to focus on. So in order to work through all of them without my head spinning crazily out of control, I try to remind myself of the good things in my life. I have so many of them but at times it's hard to look past my hurt and anger to see them. So I try to make a list...I have my son, my family, my friends, one of the best sisters in the whole world, a job, benefits, a car, a roof over my head, my health and so many more things. I want those things to overtake the anger I feel. I just want my anger gone. I'm hoping this blog will help, especially on those days I'm feeling so down. Maybe voicing how I feel for others to read and get their input on will help me in some way heal so I can once again find the happiness I so deserved. For a while there, I was letting my hurt stop me from enjoying time with my son...then one day I woke up and realized that god gave me another chance for a reason. My cancer was found early so that I had more time to spend with my son and I needed to get out and enjoy those things with him. I make a point to do that now, Zack and I are always off doing new things and I love watching how excited he gets over the littlest things. Kids are great and they are a beautiful gift from god. Even though I cannot have more, I thank god everyday for blessing me with one...he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and the one thing I did right in my life. I think he is the one thing that saved me from having a breakdown, without him I don't think I could have ever made it!! Once again, thank you to all my family and friends...your support has been a HUGE part of my healing process. My heart is slowly healing and maybe someday I will be able to let someone else in.

HAPPY 4th EVERYONE!!! Hope you have a wonderful weekend:)

3 comments:

Leanne said...

I 2nd all the things that Kara said in her last post.

I hear you being angry and hurt, but on the flip side, you are grateful for God allowing you to recover, become healthy again and be able to be the GREAT Mom that you are to Zack. You have come a looooong way and I'm super proud of you.

I know you're afraid to date again for fear of being hurt, but maybe some time you will a change and finally allow yourself to find someone who is deserving of you. Someone is out there just looking for that perfect person and she is YOU! Someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Chin up girl! I'm on your side.

TEAM JENNIFER all the way! :)

Nikabee said...

Ditto Lanie and Kara ~ You're really doing so great, considering all you've been through. You're stronger than I think I could've been.

You may feel jipped at spending so much time with him, but I see perserverence. No one can say that you threw in the towel cuz it was hard. It was hard for a long time and you kept at it, having hope that he would change. The fact that he didn't isn't your fault in any way.

But as you discovered, there comes a time when enough is enough. And you had a sweet little spirit to protect as well. You've set an amazing example to him of a strong woman, who knows what she's worth and will not accept anything less. That will not only benefit Zack, but will also ensure that the next guy (and there will be one) will be all that you deserve - because you won't settle for anything less!

Keep hanging in there!

Kara DeWildt said...

Wow! This is so cliche but I believe it applies here. "Be the better person." Easier said than done? Absolutely! But, you will feel better in the end for it. Do you know why? Because Zack and everyone else will eventually see him for the evil, unhappy, lying loser that he really is. And they will also see you forwho you really are. And that is an amazingly strong, loving, and patient women who they love, treasure, and honor. Does that mean let things slide. No way. Because part of being strong means being able to say no when you need to.
Also, as hard as it is right now, you will need to open yourself up to more opportunities. Like men. This can be fun! But, I want you to remember something. You Jennifer, are worth alot. And you are going to meet alot of men who are not worthy of you, or Zack. It's very important to be picky. You have lots of time. Don't rush it. I only tell you this cuz I love you cuz. And I really don't want to see you hurt again. Good Luck! Love, Kara
P.S. Give Zack a kiss for me!