Ahhhh, fall...

Hi everyone! I know, I know, it's been a while since I posted but I'm here to update:)

It's that time of year I love...FALL!!



The smell, the beautiful leaves (one of the best parts of Michigan) and most of all Halloween. I love Halloween! Zack is at that age where he is so fun to dress up and he still lets me "persuade" him as to what he wants to be...lol I guess I better enjoy that because I'm sure in the next couple of years that won't be happening anymore. I guess I really enjoy the start of every season but I especially like fall.

Zack and I are doing great. I've been busy working and trying to find time for school and Zack is getting ready to start his last year of headstart. The headstart class starts a little later than regular school here which is around the 21st so he's getting pretty excited. He gets on the bus in the morning and goes to headstart until 12 then his bus takes him to his 2nd school which is a pre-school until I get off work at 4:30. He's doing so great in school and he really takes to making new friends. He has a best friend, his name is "Izahiah" (not sure if I spelled it right or not...lol) and they are in-seperable. This year Izahiah starts kindergarden tho so Zack will only see him for a few hours in the afternoon but his mom and I are planning some play dates for them. His mom is one of Steph's good friends so we know each other which is nice. I can't believe Zack will be in Kindergarden next year. Wow, time goes by so fast. I am going to try to get him into the Behwatting school here since their teacher to child ratio is so great. They have a lottery for the kids they accept though so I need to make sure I get his name in early enough. I really don't want him to have to go to Lincoln but if he doesn I guess that's ok too.

Well I better get going so I can finish up some housework. Zack is with his dad until Friday so I try to get all my cleaning done while he's gone. We have a busy weekend this week. We will be having a neighborhood cookout and then on Sunday he has a playdate. He loves being busy though and so do I since he's such an active little guy. Hope everyone is doing well and I promise to all my Grand Rapids relatives I will get down for a visit soon. Love and miss ya's!!

Things that make me go grrrrr...

So today I had to go shopping and unless it's shopping for clothes, it's not one of my favoritest things to do. I had to get some household things and for those of you that have ever been to my town, you know that we have only two (yes, two) major retail stores to shop in. One is Kmart and the other is Walmart. I tend to go to Kmart when I'm in a hurry and don't feel like dealing with crowds. Walmart is always packed and not the place to go if your in a crunch for time. Well today I had quite a few things to get so I had to go to Walmart which is cheaper then Kmart so off I went...

Now for those of you with kids that you have to take shopping with you, I'm sure you can totally relate to how you want to get in, get the things you need and get out. Kids and shopping NEVER go well together. So after a few battles with my 4 year old son, we finally had everything we needed and into the checkout line we get. Well isn't it just MY luck that I would get behind a person that feels the need to pay for their bill in ones and change. There she is counting out her money as SLOWLEY as possible like I had ALL the time in the world!! In the meantime there's my 4 year old grabbing all the wonderful check out line candy saying he wanted this and that. I'm of course telling him no and trying to bribe him by saying we'll pick something up later. Whoever thought to put that stuff in the checkout lane isle should be shot!!! Anyway, this lady is STILL counting and you could tell the clerk was getting irritated as well. All the while I'm standing there getting madder and madder. I tell you!! That type of stuff just irritates me!! It's not like I could go to another line either, I already had all my stuff on the counter...jeesh! After about 5 minutes she gets all her money counted out, then takes another 2 minutes to make sure she has her bags and then off she goes. I am then left to deal with a VERY bored 4 year old while I try to load stuff up and pay. By the time I got out to my car, my nerves were shot.



I'm telling you, I was so very glad to get home. Now I know why I really don't care to shop with my son. I love him more then life itself but shopping with kids is not fun...lol

Life & it's Obstacles

Have you ever woke up to realize that even tho it seems your life has been crazy and full of obstacles there always seems to be that "one" thing that keeps you grounded? Have you ever asked yourself what that thing is? I am always wondering that...for some reason I thought what kept me grounded was all the craziness that surrounds me. You know, the day to day stuff that keeps you forever moving. Cleaning, working, taking care of kids, cooking, laundry...need I go on?



Well today I woke up and realized that what grounds me isn't all of those things. What grounds me is my son! He's the reason I think before I act, he's the reason I wake up everyday ready to battle what's ahead but most of all, he's the reason I've learned to be who I am and fight for what I feel is right. People always say that your children learn from you, they learn from your actions, the way you speak or treat people. I've realized I want to be the best that I can be for my son, I want him to know he will and always has been the most important person in my life. The things I have done have been for him. Making some of the hardest choices of my life have all been for him and even though at times I feel those choices may not have been the best, I did them so I could learn from them for him.



When your a parent, your always worried about your kids. That worry never goes away...ever! Before you have children, you can never imagine the amount of joy, happiness, stress and worry you will encounter after you have them. Not a day goes by that you don't worry if they are happy, safe, hungry, hurt or any other type of worry you can think of. You just have to trust that your choices and your way of parenting is the best. There is no manual for having children, there's no guarentee that what your doing is going to help your child turn out the way you dream. You just do your best and leave the rest to god. He's there, even if you think he's not:) I'm so happy god gave me the chance to be a mom. Even with all the challenges I've been through, it's still been one of the most rewarding experiences in my life.



I guess what I'm trying to say is...enjoy your children. They are one of the most precious gifts that god has given us. Enjoy their smiles, laughs, giggles, smell and all of the little things that make your heart swell with love being a parent. Always let them know you love them and never be to busy for one of their big hugs or kisses. It's those small things that make being a parent rewarding...all our children need is our love, understanding and most of all our security. Capture those moments and memories in your mind and never let them go because before you know it, they will be all grown up and gone! Below is a poem that I've always liked and I really try to follow...

Ticket For Life
© Wanda Oleson

Bandage scraped knees. Kiss away fears.
Watch their heartbreak and dry their tears.
Teach them to know what's right and what's wrong.
Show them how to be gentle and when to be strong.
Tell them you love them, and then let it show.
That's the easiest part of helping them grow.
There needs to be discipline, but don't over do it.
Praise and encouragement strengthens their spirit.
Show them respect for their feelings and thoughts.
They should know their important, self worth can't be bought.
Show them some patience and always be kind.
Developing minds make mistakes time to time.
Teach them to be the best they can be.
When they're happy within,
WHAT A RIDE LIFE CAN BE!

Have a great week everyone...
:-)

Kids grow up SO VERY FAST!!!

So today Zack's chain fell off his bike so of course, being the fix it all mommy I am, I started putting it back on. After I was done, I asked him if maybe he wanted to take his training wheels off and try to ride without them. He said "yes, but you hold me and walk with me". So there we go, starting out...I wasn't even half way down the driveway with him and he told me to let go. Yup, there goes my 4 year old all on his own driving down the sidewalk WITHOUT his training wheels! (tear, tear) lol I am so proud of him!!! Click play on the below video to see it for yourself!!



Gosh, it just seems so crazy that he is already riding a bike without the training wheels. I was a little scared at first watching him but once he got the hang of it, he seemed to do great at it. He is such a smart little guy that sometimes I'm just amazed! Being a mommy is one of the best things I have ever done!

Look at my boy go!!



And here's another one...



Anyway, just wanted to share my mommy excitment with everyone! I hope all of you are having a great weekend. I'll post some more this week;-)

Wondering...

So I'm sitting here wondering what my next step should be. This past weekend I met some really nice people (guys included) and it sort of gives me hope that maybe, just maybe I might meet that special someone. It's scary though, I was so badly hurt and I just never want to feel that feeling again. I guess I will just wait and see what comes my way...

On another note, I got my baby home:) He's always so happy to see me and I love that! It's one of the highpoints to getting him back. I'm going to make sure and do something fun with him tomorrow since I have the day off:) Anyway, just wanted to write a quick note and let everyone know I'm doing ok:)

Upcoming 4th of July Weekend

Well, I guess I can say this 4th of July is going to be a tough one for me! This will be my first holiday without Zack to celebrate it with. Instead, he goes to his dads for the weekend. I made sure to try and stay busy but that's a little hard on fireworks night since I have to work early Saturday morning. Yup, I decided to work this weekend just to keep my mind off of things.

I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it. I'm upset because I know his dad will take him to the parade and the fireworks. That would be just fine but I know he's doing it with the 23 year old girlfriend. To me, I think that is so very unfair. While he needs time with his dad, he does not need time with the girlfriend. I feel if any girl should be there with my son it should be me and I just feel I'm getting so jipped in this deal! It's hard not to have any anger towards his dad. I cannot even begin to explain the hatred I feel and it's times like these that bring it out in me. Plus, of course the girlfriend, being the immature 23 year old she is, has to be sure and tell EVERYONE their weekend plans just to make sure it gets back to me. It's hard...very hard and I feel for anyone who ever has to go through this.

I look back and wonder where I went wrong when I married him. I never in a million years would have thought the man I had loved for 16+ years would ever treat me as horribly as he has nor would I have ever believed he would have broken my heart the way he did. I'm angry for so many reasons, angry I spent so many years with him and wasted the ones I could have found someone who would have loved me the way I should have been loved, angry that I had to go through the whole cancer ordeal and now can no longer have anymore children, something I had wanted. I'm angry that the one child I have been blessed with now has to be shared with an evil, unhappy, lying, piece of crud that I chose to have a child with. It's a horrible feeling!! I'm slowly trying to overcome my anger though. At times, I feel like I have but then something happens and it seems like I've taken 10 steps back. It's not a nice feeling.

I also find myself not wanting to date either, I am so scared to even let my feelings out there again. I never want to give someone that power to break my heart ever again!! There are so many emotions mixed into my heart right now it's hard to chose just one to focus on. So in order to work through all of them without my head spinning crazily out of control, I try to remind myself of the good things in my life. I have so many of them but at times it's hard to look past my hurt and anger to see them. So I try to make a list...I have my son, my family, my friends, one of the best sisters in the whole world, a job, benefits, a car, a roof over my head, my health and so many more things. I want those things to overtake the anger I feel. I just want my anger gone. I'm hoping this blog will help, especially on those days I'm feeling so down. Maybe voicing how I feel for others to read and get their input on will help me in some way heal so I can once again find the happiness I so deserved. For a while there, I was letting my hurt stop me from enjoying time with my son...then one day I woke up and realized that god gave me another chance for a reason. My cancer was found early so that I had more time to spend with my son and I needed to get out and enjoy those things with him. I make a point to do that now, Zack and I are always off doing new things and I love watching how excited he gets over the littlest things. Kids are great and they are a beautiful gift from god. Even though I cannot have more, I thank god everyday for blessing me with one...he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and the one thing I did right in my life. I think he is the one thing that saved me from having a breakdown, without him I don't think I could have ever made it!! Once again, thank you to all my family and friends...your support has been a HUGE part of my healing process. My heart is slowly healing and maybe someday I will be able to let someone else in.

HAPPY 4th EVERYONE!!! Hope you have a wonderful weekend:)

Live, Love, Learn

Today has been one of those days that I find myself feeling sad. I feel sad for so many reasons it's hard to just pick that "one" that keeps getting me down. Sometimes I think it's because I am still angry. I'm still angry at everything I have been put through and for some reason, that anger just keeps picking at me. I want to move past it, I want to let go of it and there are days, sometimes even weeks that I feel I have. Then I remember what I've been put through and there it is again.

I look back on my life and while I can remember some good times, I also remember a lot of bad. The things I put up with for so long were something I don't think any normal person would have ever put up with. I hid so many things from my family and let them believe the person I was married to was this "great" person. There is this saying that I read not to long ago and it went some like "forget the people in your past, there's a reason they are in your past". That rings so true, while I do regret a lot of what I let go on in my past, your children make it impossible to regret your past.

My son is the one thing I did right in my life. Every day I look at him and think how lucky I am to have him. His smile lights up my heart and just watching his little eyes in amazement at the littlest things make me realize how precious the little things in life are. I love the fact that I am the person in my son's life who will teach him right from wrong. Who will teach him how to respect and provide for his family when that time comes.

So when I feel myself getting angry again, I remember these things. I learned that even tho the man I married chose to let go of his family and treat us like we were an inconvienience, that does not in any way make my son or I less important to one another. I've learned that as long as we have each other (my son and I) we will be ok. Life's lessons can sometimes be hard learned but they are lesson all in themselves and they are taught to us for a reason. They make us strong and make us realize even tho life at times can be hard, it can also be great.

Thanks to all my family and friends who have been there for me...it really meant a lot and will always continue to mean so much to me. I love each and every one of you:)